I’ve got a new word for you: sonder.

You won’t find it in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, but you will find it in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, a book that poetically defines the emotions that we all feel but don’t have the words to express… like sonder. 

The idea of sonder is quite fascinating. Here’s the formal definition from Holstee:

“the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own — populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness — an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk”

I mean, think about that. How many times do we appear in the lives of others, only to never see them again? How many people have we encountered as ‘extras’ in our own lives even though we don’t even know it, like: 

  • the people you say ‘good morning’ to at the coffee shop?
  • the microscopic-sized people you see down below as you look at your plane window?
  • the irate driver who honks at you out of frustration?
  • the kind soul who holds the elevator just long enough for you to slip on?

These people are intricately connected to our own lives in millions of ways and they can influence the course of our day and our lives, even though we have no idea who they are. But they matter. That’s the idea of sonder. 

I’m fascinated with the concept and realized that every character I meet in the pages of a book is a perfect example of sonder: people we connect with and who impact our lives in some way, but then move on. And some books are perfect for this kind of exploration, artfully weaving connections between characters in ways that make us consider our own tangled web of relationships, too. 

This month, I’ve partnered with Kristen Young of Below the Brine Bookshop to bring you a collection of adult, young adult, middle grade and picture books that explore the idea of sonder and fill our reading lives with insightful characters and the connections between them. Here they are with a blend of my own reviews and the descriptions from Goodreads.

Just click on the image or title to see the book on my Amazon link or browse my collection on Bookshop instead. 

And remember…if you’re a member of my Get Lit(erate) community, you’ll get exclusive access to a special  podcast episode where Kristen and I talk through all the books so you can choose which ones to add to your TBR stack!

Adult Literature:

Anxious Poeple by Fredrik Backman

Viewing an apartment normally doesn’t turn into a life-or-death situation, but this particular open house becomes just that when a failed bank robber bursts in and takes everyone in the apartment hostage. As the pressure mounts, the eight strangers begin slowly opening up to one another and reveal long-hidden truths.

As police surround the premises and television channels broadcast the hostage situation live, the tension mounts and even deeper secrets are slowly revealed. Before long, the robber must decide which is the more terrifying prospect: going out to face the police, or staying in the apartment with this group of impossible people.

The Guest List by Lucy Foley

On an island off the coast of Ireland, guests gather to celebrate two people joining their lives together as one. The groom: handsome and charming, a rising television star. The bride: smart and ambitious, a magazine publisher. It’s a wedding for a magazine, or for a celebrity: the designer dress, the remote location, the luxe party favors, the boutique whiskey. The cell phone service may be spotty and the waves may be rough, but every detail has been expertly planned and will be expertly executed.

And then someone turns up dead. Who didn’t wish the happy couple well? And perhaps more important, why? 

Winter Solstice by Rosamunde Plicher

Elfrida Phipps, once of London’s stage, moved to the English village of Dibton in hopes of making a new life for herself. Gradually she settled into the comfortable familiarity of village life — shopkeepers knowing her tastes, neighbors calling her by name — still she finds herself lonely.

It is the strange rippling effects of a tragedy that will bring these five characters together in a large, neglected estate house near the Scottish fishing town of Creagan.

The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley

Julian Jessop, an eccentric, lonely artist and septuagenarian believes that most people aren’t really honest with each other. But what if they were? And so he writes–in a plain, green journal–the truth about his own life and leaves it in his local café. It’s run by the incredibly tidy and efficient Monica, who furtively adds her own entry and leaves the book in the wine bar across the street. Before long, the others who find the green notebook add the truths about their own deepest selves–and soon find each other in real life at Monica’s café.

The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery

Scientists have only recently accepted the intelligence of dogs, birds, and chimpanzees but now are watching octopuses solve problems and are trying to decipher the meaning of the animal’s color-changing techniques. With her “joyful passion for these intelligent and fascinating creatures” (Library Journal Editors’ Spring Pick), Montgomery chronicles the growing appreciation of this mollusk as she tells a unique love story. By turns funny, entertaining, touching, and profound, The Soul of an Octopus reveals what octopuses can teach us about the meeting of two very different minds. 

Talking to Strangers by Malcom Gladwell

How did Fidel Castro fool the CIA for a generation? Why did Neville Chamberlain think he could trust Adolf Hitler? Why are campus sexual assaults on the rise? Do television sitcoms teach us something about the way we relate to each other that isn’t true?

Something is very wrong, Gladwell argues, with the tools and strategies we use to make sense of people we don’t know. And because we don’t know how to talk to strangers, we are inviting conflict and misunderstanding in ways that have a profound effect on our lives and our world.

Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout

At times stern, at other times patient, at times perceptive, at other times in sad denial, Olive Kitteridge, a retired schoolteacher, deplores the changes in her little town of Crosby, Maine, and in the world at large, but she doesn’t always recognize the changes in those around her: a lounge musician haunted by a past romance; a former student who has lost the will to live; Olive’s own adult child, who feels tyrannized by her irrational sensitivities; and her husband, Henry, who finds his loyalty to his marriage both a blessing and a curse. As the townspeople grapple with their problems, mild and dire, Olive is brought to a deeper understanding of herself and her life – sometimes painfully, but always with ruthless honesty. 

Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty

From the first page, I immediately became connected to Francis, a middle aged writer whose career was on a downturn. She escapes to a remote health resort for a ten day cleanse along with eight other people, each there to tackle their own personal demons. I became attached to all nine characters in some way or another and was breathless when I reached chapter 30 and the ball dropped. Throughout the rest of the story, we learn how each guest comes to terms with their own inner battles and ultimately transforms their lives in ways we might not expect, just as the motto of the health resort promises. You’ll connect with the characters, feel their struggles and realizations, and examine your own in the process. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll read on the edge of your seat and you’ll turn that last page with the satisfaction of knowing. I loved this book.

Finding the Mother Tree by Suzanne Simard

Simard brings us into her world, the intimate world of the trees, in which she brilliantly illuminates the fascinating and vital truths–that trees are not simply the source of timber or pulp, but are a complex, interdependent circle of life; that forests are social, cooperative creatures connected through underground networks by which trees communicate their vitality and vulnerabilities with communal lives not that different from our own.

Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro

From her place in the store, Klara, an Artificial Friend with outstanding observational qualities, watches carefully the behavior of those who come in to browse, and of those who pass on the street outside. She remains hopeful that a customer will soon choose her, but when the possibility emerges that her circumstances may change forever, Klara is warned not to invest too much in the promises of humans.

Young Adult Literature:

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V. E. Schwab

France, 1714: in a moment of desperation, a young woman makes a Faustian bargain to live forever and is cursed to be forgotten by everyone she meets.

Thus begins the extraordinary life of Addie LaRue, and a dazzling adventure that will play out across centuries and continents, across history and art, as a young woman learns how far she will go to leave her mark on the world.

But everything changes when, after nearly 300 years, Addie stumbles across a young man in a hidden bookstore and he remembers her name.

I Have Lost My Way by Gayle Forman

Around the time that Freya loses her voice while recording her debut album, Harun is making plans to run away from home to find the boy that he loves, and Nathaniel is arriving in New York City after a family tragedy leaves him isolated on the outskirts of Washington state. After the three of them collide in Central Park, they slowly reveal the parts of their past that they haven’t been able to confront, and together, they find their way back to who they’re supposed to be.

Told over the course of a single day from three different perspectives, Gayle Forman’s newest novel about the power of friendship and being true to who you are is filled with the elegant prose that her fans have come to know and love.

Blackout by Dhonielle Clayton

A summer heatwave blankets New York City in darkness. But as the city is thrown into confusion, a different kind of electricity sparks…

A first meeting. 

Long-time friends. 

Bitter exes. 

And maybe the beginning of something new.

When the lights go out, people reveal hidden truths. Love blossoms, friendship transforms, and new possibilities take flight.

They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera

On September 5, a little after midnight, Death-Cast calls Mateo Torrez and Rufus Emeterio to give them some bad news: They’re going to die today.

Mateo and Rufus are total strangers, but, for different reasons, they’re both looking to make a new friend on their End Day. The good news: There’s an app for that. It’s called the Last Friend, and through it, Rufus and Mateo are about to meet up for one last great adventure—to live a lifetime in a single day. 

Seedfolks by Paul Fleishman

A Vietnamese girl plants six lima beans in a Cleveland vacant lot. Looking down on the immigrant-filled neighborhood, a Romanian woman watches suspiciously. A school janitor gets involved, then a Guatemalan family. Then muscle-bound Curtis, trying to win back Lateesha. Pregnant Maricela. Amir from India. A sense of community sprouts and spreads. 

Newbery-winning author Paul Fleischman uses thirteen speakers to bring to life a community garden’s founding and first year. The book’s short length, diverse cast, and suitability for adults as well as children have led it to be used in countless one-book reads in schools and in cities across the country.

Middle Grade Literature:

Threads by Ami Polonsky

To Whom It May Concern: Please, we need help!

The day twelve-year-old Clara finds a desperate note in a purse in Bellman’s department store, she is still reeling from the death of her adopted sister, Lola.

By that day, thirteen-year-old Yuming has lost hope that the note she stashed in the purse will ever be found. She may be stuck sewing in the pale pink factory outside of Beijing forever.

Clara grows more and more convinced that she was meant to find Yuming’s note. Lola would have wanted her to do something about it. But how can Clara talk her parents, who are also in mourning, into going on a trip to China?

The lives of two girls–one American, and one Chinese–intersect like two soaring kites in this story about loss, hope, and recovery.

Anybody Here Seen Frenchie? by Leslie Connor
This book truly embodies the power of reading to experience life in someone else’s shoes and gain a new perspective impossible to find without it. Connor introduces us to unlikely best friends: Aurora and Frenchie. Aurora is energetic, loud and full of life while Frenchie is quiet, contemplative and non-verbal. Bound together by their love of nature, but newly separated into different sixth grade classrooms, Aurora and Frenchie learn to find new rhythms and routines. But when Frenchie goes missing, Aurora’s life is turned upside down as she works to find Frenchie and use her big personality to find her friend. Told in alternating chapters, Connors not only introduces us to Aurora and Frenchie, but shows us how connected we all really are to those around us, connections that should be celebrated and appreciated.
Flight of the Puffin by Ann Braden

This book follows the lives of four distinct, yet ultimately connected, characters exploring who they are, who they want to be and how they fit into the world that doesn’t feel welcoming to them. Alternating chapters give an inside view into each character’s reality and leave the reader questioning their own beliefs and potential actions. What would each of us do to make this child feel valued? What unintentional messages might we be sending by doing what we initially feel is right?

I’m not sure how Ann does it, but once again, she wrote straight into my heart and my own relationships. Knowing the pain of what is right, but what is done to keep the peace instead. Knowing the bonds that are forged over the fear of change, rather than the excitement of growing. This book so artfully explores how to remain true to yourself when the world feels like it is against you and to wholeheartedly believe in your bones that you are enough, just the way you are.

Picture Books for All Ages:

The Circles All Around Us by Brad Montegue

This is the story of a circle. When we’re first born, our circle is very small, but as we grow and build relationships, our circle keeps getting bigger and bigger to include family, friends, neighbors, community, and beyond. Brad Montague originally created Circles as an Instagram video adorably narrated by his kids, and now this picture book adaptation is the perfect way to start a conversation about how to expand our worlds with kindness and inclusivity–even if it seems scary or uncomfortable. 

I Am a Bird by Hope Lim

Every day, a little girl rides to school on the back of her father’s bike. As they twist and turn through the streets, the little girl spreads her arms like wings and sings her birdsong for all to hear. But when they pass a strange woman in blue who carries a mysterious bag, the girl goes quiet until the woman is out of sight. One day, when they’re running late, the little girl discovers what the woman does with her bag each morning—a surprise that transforms her wariness into a feeling of kinship to be celebrated. 

Every Little Kindness by Marta Bartolj

When one act of kindness sparks another, anything is possible! As a girl searches for her lost dog, a simple act of generosity ripples into a wave of good deeds. In the course of a single day, each considerate action weaves lives together and transforms a neighborhood for the better.

This wordless story, told in beautiful illustrations reminiscent of a graphic novel, demonstrates how every little kindness, shared from person to person, can turn a collection of strangers into a community, and—even though we might not always see it—make the world a more vibrant and compassionate place to be.

What is Love? by Mac Barnett

“What is love?” a young boy asks. “I can’t answer that,” his grandmother says, and so the boy goes out into the world to find out. But while each person he meets—the fisherman, the actor, and others—has an answer to his question, not one seems quite right. Could love really be a fish, or applause, or the night? Or could it actually be something much closer to home? This tender, funny tale is an original take on the “I love you” story, a picture book treasure for all ages to read and cherish.

Milo Imagines the World by Matt de la Pena

Milo is on a long subway ride with his older sister. To pass the time, he studies the faces around him and makes pictures of their lives. There’s the whiskered man with the crossword puzzle; Milo imagines him playing solitaire in a cluttered apartment full of pets. There’s the wedding-dressed woman with a little dog peeking out of her handbag; Milo imagines her in a grand cathedral ceremony. And then there’s the boy in the suit with the bright white sneakers; Milo imagines him arriving home to a castle with a drawbridge and a butler. But when the boy in the suit gets off on the same stop as Milo–walking the same path, going to the exact same place–Milo realizes that you can’t really know anyone just by looking at them.

There you have it! A bibliotherapy book list full of titles with intricate connections between characters so you can consider the connections in your own life, too. Which books will you add to your TBR list? Share the titles that will make the cut in the comments below!